My Sunday Feeling

Here are some random thoughts while wondering if it is ever going to quit raining around here.

David Vitter: One of the characters in Nelson Algren's " A Walk on the Wild Side"is the madam of a brothel in New Orleans. In one scene she discusses the clientele that frequents her place of business. I can't lift the quote verbatim, because someone, someone who is reading these words, has my copy of the novel.

Anyway, in the scene I am thinking of she says something along the lines of " I don't think there's anything wrong with a man relaxing with a woman and some whiskey on a Saturday night. What I do mind is when they preach against it on Sunday morning or prosecute it on Monday morning."

You could cut the schadenfreude with a knife in most Democratic circles when it was revealed last week that United States Senator David Vitter of Louisiana had called the number of Deborah Jean Palfrey, the so-called "D.C. madam." He 'fessed up to a so-called "inappropriate relationship" with a New Orleans escort who ran a bawdy house over on Canal Street with her mother of all goddamn people.

I guess that sort of family business attracted a "family values" sort of john like Vitter. And if that was not sufficiently humiliating, a third woman, this one with Arkansas ties, for which we may all be justifiably proud, has been outed by an old boyfriend as having rented some in the past to the good Senator.

I have to say that I can't get too worked up about this. My position concerning the Monica Lewinsky mess was that although I thought Bill Clinton had lost his friggin' mind when he fooled around with that kid, if Hillary could live with it, I could live with it. I want to remind my Democratic friends that this was their pretty much position as well.

Let's keep this in perspective. While David Vitter is a fool and a hypocrite, he did not sell his office as did Congressman Al Jefferson. He did not take bribes as did former Governor and current elderly jailbird Edwin Edwards. Further, don't be surprised if some prominent Dems pop up on Ms. Palfrey's list. Poor judgment is not the special province of publicly righteous Republicans. It's just funnier when they are exposed. He will be turned out of office only if his fellow Republicans turn him out in the next primary. And as for me, he is Louisiana's and Wendy Vitter's problem.

It is bad enough when private indiscretions are aired out in public. It is even worse when you preached against them during your career as a public servant. Vitter is lucky to have been outed in an era when the American people as a culture are more fascinated by American Idol and Ultimate Fighting than the war in Iraq. We are beyond shame. My guess is, so long as he didn't steal a bunch of money or kill anybody, Vitter will survive. His paramour in New Orleans assures us that he is a "good father" and that he was not "a freak." This is a Louisiana politician she was talking about. That's good enough for me.

White Collar Crime: I discovered Thursday morning that I was the victim of identity theft. I got on my checking account on the Internet and discovered it had been drained of all but about 200 bucks. When I perused the recent transactions, I saw where someone had evidently gained access to my debit card number and had been merrily making numerous purchases online late last Wednesday night.

I went to the nearest branch office of my bank where the manager immediately went to work. She cancelled my smoking hot debit card and we went through the disputed charges one by one. She called the vendors that she could reach and advised them that the charges were fraudulent. She gave me forms from Visa security and the bank's security department. She told me not to worry. She said I would get the money back but that it might take a week to ten days.

It took 48 hours. The charges for 5 of the 6 purchases have already been taken off. I suspect that the one that remains will be reconciled tomorrow. The manager of the branch at the grocery store said yesterday that they probably could quickly see from analyzing my purchasing patterns that the buyer wasn't really me. Good thing the faux me was buying women's clothes and cosmetics. If she (we assume the thief was a young woman judging from the stuff she was buying) had spent a lot of money at Golfsmith, Big Al's World of Liquor or the Tick-Tock Lounge I might have had to wait awhile to get reimbursed.

Although I have no idea who got my debit card number, I learned that the most likely culprit was a food server who wrote my number and expiration date down when she took my card back to the POS machine. Or it might have been a "he" who sold it to a "she." In any event, I was told to never use a debit card for anything that doesn't require you to enter a PIN number. If you are going to hand a card to a human, hand them a credit card. That number may get stolen as well. But at least with a credit card, the crooks won't have immediate access to your cash.

All's well that ends well. 90% of my money has found its way back into my checking account. I am pleased by the swift action taken by my bank. Here's a free plug. Pissed off at your bank? Go see the good folks at Metropolitan National Bank here in Little Rock. Drop me a line. I'll tell you who to go see over there. She'll take care of you.

Tell her that the guy who bought 500 bucks worth of stuff online at http://www.walgreens.com/ sent you.

Summer Reading List

Hilarious stuff from the Onion. Never occurred to me that Christopher Hitchens might be misogynistic. But then again, he is British.

Hit the link: http://www.theonion.com/content/leisure/readinglist

Papal Bull

You know, I like the Catholic Church. I really do. I think it does me some good to go hear Mass said and so I go visit the Catholic Church down the street from me from time to time. I slip in, hear Monsignor's homily, put a 20 in the plate and slip out. Every now and again I think about taking instruction.

I don't know if this is proof that God is Methodist but I every time I think about switching teams, somebody in the Vatican does something stupid and I am once again brought mercifully to my senses.

The bearer of lamebrain theology this time was Pope Benedict XVI himself who decreed that other Christian churches were not really churches-although he concedes that the Greek Orthodox Church comes close-and do not have the "means of salvation." This is because these other "communities' as the statement issued today refers to the other greatly surprised denominations, cannot trace back to the original disciples in the doctrine known as Apostolic Succession.

Well, guess what? Neither can the Catholics.

Here's what Roman Catholic historian Garry Wills says about Apostolic Succession in his book "Why I Am a Catholic."

"One sequence will define the problem. In 1012, the Tuscolani overthrew the Crescenzi by electing Benedict VIII, upon wich the Crescenzi created their own pontiff, Gregory VI. When Benedict died, his layman brother was put in as John XIX, and when John XIX died, his brother elevated his own son as Benedict IX, in 1032. Benedict, dissolute and unpopular, was deposed and fled Rome. The Crescenzi were able to supplant him with their own man, Silvester III, upon which Benedict returned to Rome with an armed force, expelled his successor, and again took up residence in the Lateran Palace. But after a brief time he turned over the papacy, in return for a large sum of money, to his godfather, who became Gregory VI. There were now three popes whose legitimacy was was in dispute-Benedict, Silvester and Gregory (cite omitted). When Henry III went to Rome for his coronation, there was no obviously legitimate pope to crown him, so he deposed all three and put in a fourth man, Clement II. Question: who, at each point in the process, was the real pope?

Who indeed? I redeveloped the original headache that was visited upon me the first time I read that passage years ago.

In any event, if that's the best argument a supposedly big shot theologian like Benedict has for saying I got no real shot at salvation because I don't belong to Holy Souls, I will take my chances with the Methodists. Besides, our history is a little tidier.



If you are a Protestant, or a Baptist even, hit the link to the story in today's New York Times and read of your disenfranchisement:http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/world/AP-Pope-Other-Christians.html?em&ex=1184212800&en=36147a79e5a31789&ei=5087%0A

Slacker Notification

I'm taking tomorrow off. The last week or so has been terrible around here and, quite frankly, I'm tired. More on that later.

But mainly, I'm going to watch Roger Federer (the handsome fellow on the left, in case you didn't know) and Rafael Nadal go at it in the Men's Final at Wimbledon tomorrow instead of pecking on this keyboard.

I'll be back soon. Until then, talk amongst yourselves.

Tales From The South

The Father's Day broadcast is up on the archives. Go to www.kuar.org/Tales.html . Click on the archives and you will see the link to the broadcast.

Hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.

Forget The 401K...

The world is going to go kablooey in 2012. This is according to a certain "new age" breed of end times cultists that base their predictions regarding the apocalypse on their obsessive study-check that-fascination- of/with ancient Mayan culture.

Apocalyptic crackpots have been with us always. The only difference here is that these folks seem to be highly educated crackpots.

Hit the link. Then go buy land in Newton County to build your bunker. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/01/magazine/01world-t.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5087%0A&em&en=2afa1da2b9d963f3&ex=1183435200

My Sunday Feeling

And now each night I count the stars.
And each night I get the same number.
And when they will not come to be counted,
I count the holes they leave.


Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)




I was not particularly hungry after the funeral. Here in the South, we tend to think that putting out mass quantities of food is the most appropriate antidote to a grieving heart. Between the homes of Annie's parents there was enough food to sustain a battalion for a day or two. So it's not like I haven't gotten enough to eat lately. But I like barbecue and as I approached Whole Hog Cafe down the hill, I decided to pull in for some comfort food for lunch. Besides, it was too soon to start drinking.


I had just sat down with my pulled pork sandwich when R, arms laden down with a rack of ribs, asked if he could join me. It was fine with me. I needed the company.

" Why are you so dressed up for a Saturday?" he asked.

" Funeral this morning." I said.


He winced and nodded. " Oooh, that's right. The Johnson girl."

" Yep." I said. "The Johnson girl."


We ate in silence for a minute.


" At the risk of asking a completely stupid question, how are the parents holding up?"


I chewed a bit. I looked at him and shrugged.


R talks with his hands. He waved them back and forth in front of his face.

"Say no more." he waved. "Say no more."

We resumed eating.


"Without betraying or getting into the nature of a confidence," he said while wiping his mouth. "It is my general understanding that the girl struggled with depression."


R and I are both lawyers. We talk like this even on Saturday.


" Oh, I think it is pretty much public knowledge at this point."


" That was what had gotten back to some of the folks on the committee I'm on." He lowered his voice. "You do know what I'm talking about, right?" He opened his hands as if handing me understanding.


R is a recovering alcoholic. He is talking about "Lawyers Helping Lawyers." They intervene with lawyers who have drug or alcohol problems. Unlike me, who must work out his salvation with fear and trembling, R's crown in Heaven is assured.

I said nothing. I just nodded. I knew what he was talking about.


He had finished inhaling his ribs and pushed the plate aside.


" I see a lot of depression in my work with the committee," he said. " Depression is as dangerous as any physical illness. It's just poorly understood."

" Looking back on it now, I can probably say that I was a little more depressed than I needed to be a couple of years ago." I said.


"Yeah? How did you deal with it?"


" To tell you the truth, and this sounds stupid, but I joined a golf club and played golf every chance I could. I could get away from myself whenever I concentrated on the back of that little white ball. First time in recorded history that golf ever did anybody any good.'


"You've got to get away from yourself when you are depressed. No doubt. I'm glad you could do it. Some folks can't," R said. " We have a saying in AA. Want to hear it?"


" Sure."

" The mind is a dangerous neighborhood. You don't want to spend too much time there. You've got to get away from yourself to gain some perspective."

" Still," I said. " But what would cause a 19 year old combination of beauty and brains, somebody with a whole world in front of her, what would cause somebody like that to throw the switch? I don't get it."


He smiled and shook his head. " We don't waste a lot of time wondering 'why' in AA," R said. "We spend most of our time just trying to accept that which we have no control over. Interesting you should refer to 'throwing the switch'. Nine out of ten people can have a drink. When I drink it throws a switch in my head. So I can't drink. Some people can't take penicillin. I can't drink alcohol. Not much more complicated than that. "

He leaned forward onto his elbows.

" I have a theory. You know what I think?"

"No. What do you think?"

" All people get blue from time to time. Human nature. But I think there's a bad depression switch in some folks the same as there's a drunk switch in other folks. Maybe they're related. I don't know. It's just easier for a drunk, in a certain sense, to keep that switch turned off. You go to meetings. You don't drink. They don't really have meetings that can keep folks from being depressed."


"Besides," I said. "Even if they did, those kind of meetings would be too depressing."


He ignored me.

" What I have learned is that some depressed folks keep finding that switch whether they are being treated or not. Sometimes the meds don't help or the side effects are awful or they can't give 'em to young folks without running the risk of suicide. Whatever happened it sounds maybe like the Johnson girl made an unbelievably tragic decision after her switch got thrown. Why is not important any longer. Trying to get to an acceptance, as impossible as that may seem, is all that is left to do."

" Ummmm...no offense. But there's a difference between accepting what you have to do to keep the drunk switch from getting thrown and never seeing your daughter again. As hard as it is to abstain, at least that's theoretically possible. You can quit drinking. You can't walk down the aisle with a dead girl."

Silence.

" All I am I saying is that the 'why' question lives in a really bad neighborhood. You hang around in a bad neighborhood long enough and you might get hurt. "

He shrugged. Say no more.


All I know is that one night last week, in a house not too far from here, the switch got thrown in the head of a damn good kid.

And on that night the stars, in all their splendor, would not come out to be counted.

I Got A Nikon Camera, I Love To Take Photographs.

These shots are from an outing earlier this week at the Country Club of Little Rock that somehow took leave of its senses and allowed me, PM and my lawyer Rick to play a round of golf on its hallowed grounds. Actually, they didn't go completely nuts over there. They assigned local lawyer and CCLR member Herb Rule to keep an eye on us in case we tried to steal some towels or something.

I took these shots with my new Nikon p5000. Not bad depth of field for a point and shoot, huh?

Cap Anson Update

From occasional Pup correspondent and world Cap Anson expert Howard W. Rosenberg:


"The article provides a window on what it’s been like to tout Anson, in
cities where it’s not that obvious where there’s a tie-in, and where local
news is everything. My favorite line in the article (given the Chicago
Tribune’s handling of Cap Anson 4 to date; see
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2007/5/prweb527939.htm) is: "And we leave
Chicago connections to Chicago-based newspapers."

2. As far as Cap Anson 3, a Baltimore sports weekly, the Press Box,
mentioned it in a duckpin bowling feature; see the sidebar on the
right-hand side of the following link:

http://www.pressboxonline.com/story.cfm?id=2075"

Sursum Corda

The Heart of Elvis resides in Craighead County, Arkansas. Wella wella wella....

Hit the link: http://www.butchdicus.com/

The Future Of American Tennis?

This is a story about 18 year old Donald Young who turned pro at the age of 14. This piece is a cautionary tale about just how hard tennis is at a certain level. I saw Young play last Spring here in the St. Vincent's Tournament. In fact, he won it after somehow beating Harrel Levy, who once made it to the semis of the French before having to leave the ATP tour to fulfill his Israeli military commitment if memory serves, to get to the final. He and a partner won the doubles the day before in an incredibly chippy match with a couple of whiners from Illinois.

It was a big payday for him. I bet he won all of 7 grand.

Anyway, I visited with his Mother briefly. She seemed like a nice lady for a tennis mom.

Hit the link:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/24/magazine/24young-t.html

"Classical music can really be pretty good."

That remarkable sentence graced the otherwise interesting piece in today's Week in Review in the New York Times about the amateur tenor from Wales who won Great Britain's version of "American Idol."

Since when did Wally Hall start editing the copy over there?

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/24/weekinreview/24wakin.html

My Sunday Feeling

My excellent friend Renee Horton kind of stole my thunder for this week, seeing as how she wrote about the current wave of serious literature written by avowed atheists that seeks to, for lack of a better way to put it, remove or diminish greatly the use of religion and religious ideation in public discourse. To read her blog, go to http://losingourreligion.blogspot.com/ . I decided to write about it after reading a "debate' in Newsweek Magazine between pastor and author Rick Warren and atheist neurobiologist Sam Harris. I thought Warren acquitted himself pretty well while Harris came across as smug and angry. But that's just me. Read it here and judge for yourself. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17889148



Back in the Spring, prominent atheist authors Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens spoke here in Little Rock. I was not able to see Dawkins but I did go see Hitchens, whose writing I greatly admire. I arrived early and I was glad that I did as the room soon filled to capacity and the sponsors of the event were forced to scramble for extra chairs to accommodate the crowd.



I marveled at this. You know, it wasn't all that long ago that the news of such speakers coming to our fair city to lecture in public facilities would have provoked a whirlwind of protest around here. And yet here he was speaking freely to a SRO crowd in the Bible Belt.

But I digress. Hitchens is the author of a recent book entitled "God Is Not Great-How Religion Poisons Everything." It is his thesis, based as much upon the examination of the tenets and writings of all the major religions as anything, that religion is a distortion of our origins, our nature and our cosmos. The only hope for mankind is to adopt a secular and scientific view of reality and to base our policies and our politics accordingly.

Whereas it is my understanding that Dawkins is caustic and combative in his interactions with an audience, my take on Hitchens was that he was the model of British civility, particularly when engaging an elderly person in our group who had a question or comment. Dawkins and Harris come across as angry and dismissive of religion as the province of fools. Hitchens does not. He acknowledges that religion has served as a force for good if only intermittently. Anyway, Hitchens seems like the sort of guy you would like to have a drink with and from I understand, he might accommodate you if the conditions were favorable. Atheists can be as dour as Calvinists. Hitchens is their "good humor man."

Someone asked him how the crowds have been on his book tour. He said that they have been about like the one that showed up in Little Rock. He interpreted this to mean that people were ready for the arguments of the atheists, that they were fed up with how religion poisons the public arena.

I don't think so. At least not here in Flannery O'Connor's Christ-haunted South where Jesus-or a typically right wing facsimile thereof- is practically on the ballot every election year.

But I do think there is a sense that religious ideology of a certain stripe informs certain policy decisions to an inappropriate degree. Further, I believe that there is a sense that things are not working in this country as they should and that people are turning to Hitchens in order to examine the origins of this particular ideology that some folks feel have an inordinate influence.


Hitchens breaks no ground that wasn't broken earlier by the likes of David Hume and Sigmund Freud among others. But he and fellow Brit Karen Armstrong raise powerful and compelling arguments against religious fundamentalism of any kind. And I think that is how the debate in this country is going to be couched. It matters little to people like myself that the Bible was pretty much a work over time by a committee of people who had their own agendas. I believe that if God wanted to originate the species by evolution, that's OK by me. I don't believe for 5 minutes that gay folks threaten heterosexual relationships. As for myself, I am perfectly capable of scuttling my relationships with women. I don't require the assistance of an adherent from an alternative lifestyle to further the usual process of my undoing.

But there are people out there for whom these issues mean everything. And they vote.

I say let the debate begin. Go give Hitch a listen if he comes to your town. You'll at least come away from the lecture with a different perspective on things. What's the harm in that?


Plugola: For those who are in the least inclined, you can tune in to "Tales from the South" at KUAR 90 FM on Thursday at 7 pm to hear local authors, including yours truly, reading stories about Father's Day. It will be simulcasted (is that a word?) on http://www.kuar.org/.

I Certainly Feel Better

From the good folks at the Onion: Hit the link.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/pac_man_jones_i_will_be_nowhere

I Got A Nikon Camera. I Love To Take Photographs.

This is my new toy. It is a Nikon Coolpix P5000. I need to put more pics up here and and lugging the D70 around is a pain. None of these damn "point and shoots" are what you would use for real photography. But at 10 megapixels you will get some good depth of field with this little box and I can carry it around in my bag.

It has a hot shoe on top that I can slide a Speedlight into if I want to do real flash stuff w/this camera. Which I can't imagine I will do. But I got the capability.

Besides, if this camera is good enough for a big time sort of director like Barry Sonnenfeld who recommends it, it's good enough for me.

Positively Curtains

It had been a long time since I had gone to lunch in the District. 2 and a half years. Easy. Used to practically live there.



It was time. The place where I used to hang was closed. I had to see it for myself.



It was busy down there. I had somehow forgotten that the Farmer's Market was on Tuesday. But then again, it had been awhile. On the way over I laughed in spite of myself when I realized that I couldn't remember what street to turn on. Cumberland? Or was it Commerce? "Give yourself a break." I muttered under my breath. "It's been awhile." I found my old spot. You could always find a place there if you didn't mind walking a bit.



The entire district was bustling with commerce. There were long lines at every vendor. Folks from the Presidential Library, schoolkids and the crazy guy who thinks he is the Mayor. Well, he thought he was the Mayor back in the day when I used to hang out down there. Who knows? Maybe he thinks he's Governor by now. Crazy people have thought crazier things.



I got my lunch at the Mediterranean place. I was happy to see they still had the spicy curry gyro platter. The man at the back was busy working as I came up to the counter to place my order. He stopped carving the lamb when he saw me. He smiled and nodded his head by way of greeting. I waved.



I got my lunch and sat in front of what used to be the old business. It was covered with white tarps as if it were enshrouded. The window facing President Clinton Street was partially covered and the logo had been scraped off. A sign said a pie shop was going in there. Hope it does well. It's a hell of a location.



A place like Little Rock gives up its stories pretty easily. You hear things. What was once inexplicable now makes some sense in retrospect. Not that it much matters. Nothing lasts forever. All things must pass. But from where I sat, it felt something like a death.



After lunch I went to the Farmer's Market and bought some especially pretty tomatoes. I wandered down the street to the art gallery on the corner. The lady that owns the place looked up when she heard the buzzer.



"Well, hello." she said. "It's been awhile."



" Yeah." I replied. "Awhile."



Walking back to the car I went past the business again. I turned my back to it and headed South with my little bag of tomatoes. Back to the parking place I like because I don't mind walking.



A door has finally closed. The curtain has come down.

And the feeling that I have? Well, it feels an awful lot like peace.

My Sunday Feeling

It is a law of the universe that men and women are just wired differently. So it should come as now major surprise that they tend to have different approaches to certain celebrations. Most guys I know could pretty much give a rip about Father's Day. Don't get me wrong. It is great fun to get a card drawn by hand from a 4 year old. It is a great excuse to go buy sporting goods or cologne (that's how I celebrate it) and you can get a free pass to go fish or play golf. But that's about it. Mother's Day is a considerably bigger deal for women. Even when they say it's not.



The owner of the bookstore here in the People's Republic of Hillcrest once said of her grown children, " If they can't be nice to me 364 days of the year, then I don't want anything for Mother's Day." Of course this means that there would be brains spattered against the wall if any of her kids took her at her word and didn't remember her.

One of our local DJs put it best when he said, "Women want to gather the family all around and spend time sitting around visiting and all that. All I want for Father's Day is I just want Josh to give me back the debit card. Please God, give me back the debit card."


Or as my friend Richard said back when in the kids were in the house, " All I want for Father's Day is to go by myself to Brown's Country Kitchen where I can eat a meal in peace and maybe get a vanilla ice cream cone."


Dad died in 1977 so I haven't celebrated Father's Day in forever. I don't know what my brothers have on tap. Maybe John and his buddy Rollo will take the boys out to play golf. Bob works the graveyard shift at the nervous hospital so he will go to work around noon which will cut into the time for celebrating. I'm sure whatever they do it will be pretty low key and consistent with the regular guy ethos of not wanting much in the way of a fuss.

And if you are a Dad, I hope you get what you want even if all you want is to be left the hell alone.

Speaking of Father's Day: Last Monday myself and 2 other guys read short stories we had written for Father's Day that will be broadcast later on this month on public radio station KUAR's "Tales from the South." While God knows I have done public speaking on numerous occasions this was the first time that I had ever read a story live. My excellent friend PJ, who teaches the "talented and gifted (and from what I can tell extremely neurotic) program at one of our local high schools, is the one that got me into this. About the only advice she had for me was to speak slowly and to use facial expressions more than I normally do.



Great. I am pretty poker faced at my most animated. One of my numerous exes used to say that I was "hard to read." That's how I like it. Anyway, I decided to go with my strengths and I concentrate on the speaking part when I rehearsed it.

I guess it went OK. The story I read was a rewrite of the Father's Day piece that first appeared here. This was a piece that was described by one reader as "one of the saddest things I had ever read' although that was not my intent when I wrote it. But it was the only Father's Day piece I had and the deadline was upon me so I sent it in.

It was odd. The audience laughed at some parts that were not written for comedic effect. For example, I described donating books I had bought on step-parenting to the library after I had split up with a woman who had children. It brought down the house. "Jesus" I thought to myself as I paused for the laughter to subside. " It wasn't very funny at the time. Maybe I can work in some suicide jokes for you people too."

And the big joke I added for the story, the one that made me laugh out loud when I wrote it (and I think I know funny) produced not a titter. I paused waiting for the laughs to come. Dead air. I peered over the top of my papers to see if my audience had been taken by the Rapture or something. No such luck. I decided to move on before they started throwing stuff.

My buddy PM says that happens to him all the time when he reads his stuff in public. And a couple of years ago local authors read a chapter apiece of "The Great Gatsby" outside the library for the Arkansas Literary Festival. PM read the last chapter, which as you know, has precious few yucks in it. He said they were rolling in the aisles.

That's show biz.

After I got through reading, I sat and listened to the others. The taping was taking place at a restaurant downtown. A street person shuffled in and quietly took a seat behind me where she sat and listened politely. After awhile she tapped me on the shoulder. I leaned over. On her countenance she wore a beatific smile.

"I just love poetry." she said. She then got up and left.

I guess prose can come through as iambic pentameter when you are off your lithium.

It was an interesting end to an interesting evening.

Again, the program is called "Tales of the South" and will broadcast on KUAR FM 89 here locally on June 28 at 7pm CDT. Or you can listen to live streaming of the show on http://www.kuar.org/ . If you something better to do that night, and I can't imagine that you do not, you can listen to it on the archives at http://www.kuar.org.tales.html/ .

I hope you enjoy it. And that you laugh at the lines that were written to be intentionally funny.

Let me know what you think.

A Guest Editorial

This is the link to an excellent essay in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette and Northwest Arkansas Times by my good friend Steve Straessle on the perils of raising teenagers nowadays. Though prompted by the accidental overdose of a neighbor's son, this issue has been much on his mind for some time and he and I have had many talks about this subject for the last year or so.

His thoughts on the issue are informed by both his experience as a father and as the Headmaster at Catholic High School for Boys here in Little Rock. Anyway, he offers many thoughtful suggestions about raising kids in his essay but his thesis can be boiled down to one word: Communication.

You don't have to be a parent to have a stake in this issue. Read this if you have a kid in your life even if it's just a neighbor. And pass this along to your friends or relatives who are parents. This essay is a good Father's Day present to the world from a man who has thought long and hard about a troubling subject that nobody really wants to talk about.

From a man who is just as worried about his own kids as you are about yours. Hit the link.

http://www.nwarktimes.com/adg/Perspective/192689/

Radio, Radio

I have been asked to read an edited version of last year's Father's Day post which will be broadcast on public radio station KUAR's "Tales of the South " and maybe NPR. It will be recorded tomorrow night and broadcast sometime later. The clip will also be put up on the KUAR website.

I had to clean up the Woody Allen joke and delete the other examples of mild profanity so the FCC won't bitch but it is otherwise pretty much intact although I had to turn it into "a story."

Anyway, once I get the time of the broadcast I will put it up here and I will provide the link to the program as soon as I get it as well. I assume it will air sometime around Father's Day.

My Sunday Feeling

I write these words not too far removed in real time from Paris Hilton getting thrown back into the County Jail crying and screaming by an apprently irked Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge. For those of you that live in a tree, this completely useless young woman was ordered to serve 45 days for contempt of court. The Sheriff's office released her to home detention after only 3 days citing an undisclosed medical condition that further incarceration would allegedly exacerbate.


The reaction to her release was swift and predictable. Hit the link below to see the e-mails on the subject gathered up by the good folks at The Smoking Gun.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0608072paris1.html

I guess I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole silly episode. On the one hand, it is hard to feel too sorry for her. She and her fellow travelers Britney Spears and Nicole Ritchie are self-promoting slackers of the first water. Paris Hilton is precisely the sort of unsympathetic defendant that a judge tends to make an example of if he or she gets the chance. And of course, when you are dealing with a self-absorbed bubblehead like Hilton, the odds are good that you will get precisely that chance.

But let's look at the other side of the coin. It wasn't like she killed anybody. She was found gulity of a misdemeanor. She had no criminal record prior to then. The jails are crowded. And they house real criminals who represent genuine threats to society. People with records like Hilton's tend to get released early in the state and local criminal justice system. It happens every day to the less notorious.

But still, there are folks in there that have medical conditions as well. Some of them are pretty serious. They don't get to leave. There is that side of it as well.

Here is what I think will happen. She will do about another week or so while her lawyers gin up a case for her release due to some medical neccesity. The judge will release her to home detention or maybe he will impose an additional obligation of public service-2 words rarely uttered in the same breath with that airhead. Or, maybe she will accumulate enough "good time" (I think it is 4 days credit for each day served ) that her sentence will "flatten out" and she will be released to get out in a week or so even if she doesn't go back to court. In any event, if she has any sense, a big if given her past escapades, she will lay very low when she is released.

The hopeful news for parents of teenage girls everywhere is that perhaps Hilton's street cred took a hit when she went to jail screaming and calling for her Mommy. Granted, nobody likes to go to jail and it's not like she exactly fits the usual profile in there. But then again, there are people who have been on the receiving end of death sentences that bore the imposition of same with greater dignity than what Hilton was able to muster under far less trying circumstances.

As for the inmate herself, I have my doubts that she will learn very much from this. I have my doubts that she will accept responsibility for her actions. One of my friends thinks Paris is crazy. I happen to think that she's not very bright although she is Madame Curie next to fellow reveler Britney. Whatever. There is a big difference between self-absorption and self-awareness. For whatever reason Paris Hilton has very little of the latter.

No, we can't expect much of anything out of these completely useless young women that the cameras love to follow around. No sense in holding your breath until the next incident. I just hope nobody gets killed the next time one of these morons does something stupid behind the wheel.

How Not To Start A Round Of Golf

Here's the latest incident in the fine tuned machine that this the marriage of John Daly. As bad as it has been at times with me, no woman has ever come at me with a steak knife.

At least not yet.

Hit the link:

http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=2898127

Technicalities

In the alumni section of this month's Tulane Lawyer it is announced that John Timothy Griffin was sworn in as United States Attorney for the Eastern District of Arkansas back in December. The blurb candidly admits that he was serving under an appointment by the Attorney General which is shorthand for " not confirmed by the Senate."


Curious. I guess when one gets appointed to such a position one has to tell it on the mountain. It is part of the public record and all. But in my line of work, one learns to parse language. He was the duly appointed US Attorney under the law at the time which allowed the President to insert these guys into the office without Senate confirmation under the Patriot Act. The law has been changed since the defenestration of 7-8 US Attorneys for what seemed to be purely political reasons.


But, contrary to the bleating of certain media and political types, his appointment to the office was strictly legal at the time despite the fact that it turned out to be impolitic. Strictly legal is strictly legal. Here's an example.


I once pissed off a Federal Judge in another state who threatened to find me in contempt of court based upon advice I had given someone about honoring a subpoena. After cooling my jets for 3 days in court he allowed as how "technically" I was correct. Which was great. "Technically correct" was all I needed to get around that problem. Because if I was technically correct I was not in contempt of court. Here's some free advice. When confronted with a close question about whether to comply with a subpoena issued by a Federal Court, you should err on the side of compliance. It will make your life easier. Trust me.


Anyway, since I was technically correct I was not in contempt. Similarly speaking, since Tim Griffin was technically and therefore legally the US Attorney, why did he qualify the blurb he sent in by saying he was serving under an appointment by the AG?


Since we are speaking of technicalities, it is a moot point. Griffin is gone as of last week. His replacement is in the works. And you can bet that whoever they appoint to replace him will get stuck before the Senate Judiciary Committee.


But I wonder why he felt the need to qualify the blurb in the Tulane Lawyer?


Interesting.

Public Service Announcement

Bet you didn't know that 2007 marks the 55th anniversary of the appearance of the alien being known as the Flatwoods Monster in rural West Virginia. This link provides you with all manner of information concerning this and other phenomena that you have never heard of because the government "doesn't want you to know."

Like that time the United States Air Force got in a dogfight with a bunch of UFOs back in the Fifties. You could look it up!

Anyway, cover all your windows with aluminum foil and then hit the link:
http://www.flatwoodsmonster.com/

As Mother used to say, "You don't know it isn't true."

The Sunday Sports Page

Got back from Heber last night. Although I didn't have time to do the usual Sunday thing, I decided to put some sports stuff up today out of force of habit as much of anything.

The first link is to a piece in today's edition of Play, the new sports offering from the New York Times in which the question is asked that has presented itself to my mind from time-to-time: "Is Phil Mickelson a knucklehead?"

The other 2 links concern the chaos in Arkansas Razorback athletics as a metaphor for the larger problems in college sports. Today's column by the always excellent Selena Roberts is particularly acute. The 4 part story in ESPN doesn't unearth any news, but has to represent more water torture to the Razorback Nation and gives the lie to the old saying "Any pub is good pub."

None of this is good pub.

Finally, I include as a public service today's column by our own inimitable and often unreadable Wally Hall as an example of how not to write a sports column. And today's offering is one of his more coherent efforts!

Enjoy!


http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/sports/playmagazine/0603play-mickelson.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

http://www.wholehogsports.com/adg/191959/

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/index

http://www.wholehogsports.com/adg/191954/

Off To The Ozarks!

I will be off to a family reunion and snake handling service in Heber Springs this afternoon. So there won't be the usual Sunday offering. I will get back to it next week.

I occasionally get e-mails from folks wanting to know when new posts go up. In fact, got one all the way from Brownsville, TX yesterday. If you want to be added to the "blog alert list" please let me know at arkansashackwriter@yahoo.com . Be glad to accommodate you!

Have a good weekend and we'll see you next week.

tmfw

Excuse Me, Mister Pot. Mr. Kettle Is On Line 3. He's Heard What You've Been Calling Him.

In an interview Wednesday with ESPN's overbearing Stephen A. Smith, Kobe Bryant announced that he wanted to be traded. Seems he believes that the Laker front office has been putting out the rumor that they had to get rid of Shaquille O'Neal to appease Kobe. That nobody other than Kobe has ever arisen to challenge that version of the story speaks volumes about the situation.

In any event, according to Kobe it has now become "a trust thing."

" It's rough man, but I don't see how you can rebuild that trust." he told the unusually silent Stephen A. " I just don't know how you can move forward in that type of situation."

Well, I know somebody he can consult about moving forward "in that type of situation."

His wife.

You might recall a couple of years ago Kobe Bryant got charged with raping a desk clerk at a resort hotel in Colorado. The charges were dropped but Kobe got sued by the victim. They settled. Kobe admitted to having a "consensual encounter" with the woman.

I would imagine that the missus was only marginally comforted by the fact that her soul mate was not held criminally liable for the entire sordid transaction. But she didn't leave and clean him out in the process as similarly situated wives might have done. She "moved forward" in a far worse situation than Kobe is being forced to endure.

But it was the hubris of Kobe Bryant that got him in that fix in the first place. And it is hubris for him to presume to lecture the Lakers about "trust issues."

But if her really is confused about how to go on, I say that the expert in the field may be found right in his back yard.

Trust me.

My Sunday Feeling

I got the news about Jerry. He was a little older than the rest of us. He had served with the Marines in Viet Nam and was attending law school on the GI Bill. He was, by all appearances, pretty affable and easy going. I can't say that I knew all that well but he was a fun guy to have a beer with. I do recall he was completely ambivalent about a legal career. He came from a long line of river boat pilots and he was pretty much guaranteed a job doing that if he wanted to seeing as how the union restricted entry level positions to family members. I can't imagine they are still getting away with that nowadays but that was the case back in 1981.

Jerry was an officer in Nam. One day he and his men were surrounded by Viet Cong. Jerry called in for air support. He ordered his sargeant to sent up a smoke grenade. Red meant "enemy." Green meant "same team." The sargent screwed up and sent up a red grenade. The helicopters opened fired on Jerry's men. Many of them were killed including the hapless sargent. A buddy of mine had many conversations with Jerry about his days in Viet Nam and about that particular incident. He said Jerry just shrugged it off as the kind of thing that can happen in the fog of war.

According to the Times-Picayune, a co-worker knocked on the door to his office over at the Courthouse in Gretna to remind him of a meeting. He heard a popping sound. He opened the door and found Jerry dead. Shot in the head with a 9mm. Employees don't have to go through a security point. That's how he could waltz into the Courthouse with a handgun.

I haven't heard anything else from the guys down there. Anytime a person takes his or her own life we try to figure out the reason "why?" It's just human nature. Did he have money problems? Was he depressed? Did the fact that he did it at the office mean anything? My friend who used to talk to him about his service wondered if the fact that he killed himself a week before Memorial Day was in itself a message.

Who knows? Some people can escape the fog of war. Some cannot. And some live in their own fog without ever having worn the uniform.

Like Jerry, my friend Tom served with the Marines in Nam. I told him about Jerry. Tom is very proud of his service but like most guys who have seen serious combat is modest and circumspect. About all he allowed concerning Jerry was to say that "the experience of combat changes ones life forever." He also gently suggested that maybe we should think of our fallen comrade Jerry tomorrow on Memorial Day.

So here's to my Dad who spent his 18th birthday at Iwo Jima and who spent the early years of his marriage having nightmares about it. Here's to Danny, John and Michael who did I raq and Afghanistan. Here's to Matt who should be on the way home even as I type this. Here's to Tom who carried the big machine gun in Nam. Here's to his son who followed him to the Marine Corps and got back himself from Iraq.

Here's to all the men and women who have ever worn the uniform.

And here's to Jerrold Peterson, Law 1981, The Tulane University of Louisiana who maybe never escaped the fog of war.

We thank you and we grateful.

Real Estate Development In The Ozarks

Here is a column in the Branson paper about the latest real estate investment opportunity offered to the simple-minded by man of the cloth and former convict Jim Bakker. I think Branson is the perfect place to run this scam. If Wayne Newton and Andy Williams can resurrect careers there why not Bakker?

The article says that Bakker did 5 years of a 45 year sentence in federal prison after running a surprisingly similar scam back in the old PTL days. I remember that he caught 45 years from the judge. But if he only did 5 that means he was sentenced prior to the sentencing guidelines in which parole was eliminated or the sentence was cut down on appeal. It matters not. If he were still busting rocks somewhere he wouldn't be free to be run his "ministry" a second time.

Oh well. You can't protect everybody. Hit the link:

http://www.news-leader.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070521/COLUMNISTS17/705210358

This Would Never Happen To Me Sober Even

An amusing little golf story from today's New York Times Magazine. Hit the link.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/20/magazine/20funny-humor-t.html

My Sunday Feeling

These little guys are the Red Wings. It was my privilege to spend every Saturday the last six weeks with them in the Miracle League. The Miracle League is a national baseball program for special needs kids. Only one can't really call it "baseball" as such.

They hit soft balls with padded bats. They hit them off a tee or off an underhand toss. Nobody gets called out. Everybody scores and the last guy up gets to hit a home run. As you might surmise, absolutely zero defense is played except what is necessary to keep somebody from getting knocked in the head. All in all it is not so much different than tee-ball played by little kids except some of our kids need help in remembering where to run. Some of our kids need "buddies" to push the wheelchairs.

If you can't be humbled by the courage of these little guys than your asshole enzymes are at Barry Bonds levels. Not that the players in the Miracle League would consider themselves brave. Hell, no. They're just playing ball. They are getting the opportunity to run around and be on a team just like "normal" kids everywhere. They are just having fun. For these guys it takes courage to get through the day to day. They don't have to be brave when they are at the ball park. They can just play and let somebody else do the bravery thing for awhile.

There are lessons that can be learned from children such as these. I learned one last week when I said something to a little girl on one of the other teams that made me hope for the Earth to swallow me whole.

One of the kids-a girl we'll call Mary- on the other team didn't want to bat. " I can't bat. I don't want to." she said. I asked her if she would give it a try "just for me." That tends to work with girls. At least it does until about the age of 16. Then nothing works and this never changes.

And so she stood in and took her cuts. I noticed that Mary's right hand was turned in and that she drug her right leg. She swung as if she were trying to hit a left handed backhand. She eventually hit the ball-nobody strikes out in the Miracle League-but clearly she was frustrated.

I have coached baseball off and on for 20 years. I figured I could help her out. When she was out in the field, I asked her what hand she wrote with. She held up her left hand. The left wrist had girly-girl kid bracelets on it. The right hand she held behind her back. "I used to write with my right hand before the car accident" she said. Oh. Turns out she sustained a traumatic brain injury in a hit-and-run accident. Jesus. Poor baby. Poor sweet baby.

"Listen, honey," I said. "We're going to try something different next time around. I think I can fix you.'

Her brown eyes widened. "You can fix me?" she said.

Dear God in heaven. I wanted to die on the spot. I wanted to literally be smote into ash there on second base. How could I have been so thoughtless? Coaches talk about fixing swings. Lawyers talk about fixing problems. Still. I make a damn good living being careful and precise with language. And here I am coming across to this poor child as the baseball equivalent of Benny Hinn. How could I have been so stupid?

And yet, we say and do things all of the time in the "real world' with very little regard for the feelings of others. We tell jokes, we make statements and offer opinions in the company of others with no thought that we might be offending someone needlessly. We mean nothing by it. And when we are told" You know all that stuff you said about the Mayor the other day? That's Bob's cousin.", we go seek Bob out and offer our sincere apologies. But still we ought to keep a closer eye on ourselves as the actors say. We ought to do a better job of thinking before we speak. There's a lot of hurt in this world. No sense in turning up the temperature on a person's pain unless we just have to.

After I realized that God wasn't going to bail me out by smiting me hip and thigh, I said, " Well sweetie, what I meant was that I think I can help you hit the ball better." That seemed to satisfy her. Thank God.

After our game today, we handed out the medals and we sang "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." I said goodbye to the Red Wings until the fall session. My Asperger's kids told me they had fun. One of the kids confessed that in lieu of his baseball cap he had been wearing a technology cap that turned him into a robot. OK by me. One of my PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) kids wanted to shake my hand before he left Even better than being hugged by a bunch of germy kids, the Moms all hugged me.

It was a good day. Did you have a better day than I did? Oh yeah? Wanna bet?

All of the Red Wings are precious in my sight and I will miss every single one of them. Which is a first for me. Usually I want to kill, on the average, one or two guys on every team I have ever coached and the feeling is generally mutual. Not so at the Miracle League. Victory remains in love at the friendly confines of our little ballyard.

I can't wait to see my Red Wings again. This has been the most fun I've had on the baseball field in years. I'm in the process of learning sign language so I can communicate with the players that are hearing impaired. It's not that I'm a nice guy. The deaf kids are the only players I can't yell at. This dangerously alters the balance of power and must be rectified. . Hopefully, Mary will come back out in the Fall. It is my fervent prayer that she isn't warped for life by the careless words of an insensitive moron.

And I swear to God that I will use that other "f" word before I ever utter the word "fix" down at the Miracle League again.

You Know What You Know

Word has it that Jim Bakker has infected the Branson area and has also convinced a couple that was foolish enough to turn to him for marriage counseling of all goddamned things to even more stupidly invest in the old PTL scam of building a resort community for the faithful.

More on this later......hit the link....

http://www.news-leader.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070517/NEWS01/705170412

The Revenge Of The Teletubbies

I try not to speak ill of the dead. I really do. After all, the dead take their leave of people that loved them. So it is with Jerry Falwell, the Lion of Lynchburg, who passed away suddenly yesterday, most likely due to heart failure. But I remember a quote from Julian Bond upon the death of Ronald Reagan.

" Of course you feel for the family at a time like this. But he was a terrible president."

It is in this spirit that we remember the Rev. Falwell and that peculiarly American species, the Televangelist, that sprang forth from his generation.

In one sense, he had pretty much a lot in common with his broadcasting brethren. Like Oral Roberts and Pat Robertson, he was an anti-intellectual who founded his own institution of higher learning. I don't know this for sure but it would not surprise me if he received his honorary "doctorate' from Liberty University. Which is a pretty damn convenient way to get to be called 'Doctor." Like Dr. Roberts (guess where he got his post-graduate degree?), Jimmy Swaggart and Billy Graham, he groomed his sons to take over the family business upon his leaving. The televangelist world is one of the last main adherents to primogeniture in America. It was apparently a close call with Franklin Graham however who for much of his young adulthood seemed to be more interested in motorcycles and beer than in preaching the Gospel. Fortunately, Franklin came to his financial senses and heeded the call in time-or feigned hearing it sufficiently convincingly- to take the helm of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

And to be fair, and we are nothing if not fair around here, he was not the worst of his ilk. Although he was compensated richly from his ministry, he certainly was not a con artist like a Robert Tilton or Jim Bakker. Unlike Oral and Richard Roberts or the reptilian Benny Hinn he never held himself out as a faith healer. Unlike Pat Robertson he neither ran for office nor made dubious claims about health food products sold through the ministry. Unlike Gene Scott (my personal favorite TV preacher) he didn't surround himself with flashy women or invest in thoroughbreds. He never dog-cussed the FCC on the air either as it was my privilege to hear Scott do one Sunday night around 1986.

What Jerry Falwell did accomplish, through the bully pulpit of his television ministry was to help make America a meaner and dumber place to live. His offensive vision of a Moral Majority of bloc voters became a force to be reckoned with in national politics as much as the trade unions. For the last 20 years, Republican politicians were at least forced to play lip service to Falwell's vision of an America where gays, feminists and Democrats were second class citizens.

That vision turned paranoid in the latter stages of his public ministry. He denounced the seriously weird but otherwise harmless children's show " The Teletubbies" as having a surreptitious homosexual agenda. However, his obsession with gays turned even more exceedingly pathological when he pronounced 9/11 as God's wrath upon America because of increased tolerance toward gay folks.

When you have a public forum and a constituency that subscribes to your world-view it is incumbent upon you to weigh your words with care. In a time of national crisis, scapegoating a class of people can get those people killed. On the other hand, maybe they don't teach German history at Liberty University. Anyway, it is to his credit that he eventually lamed out of that completely idiotic tautology but by then a large chunk of his credibility had vaporized even among some of those conservative Christians that otherwise admired him.

It will be interesting to see what becomes of these various television ministries that sprung forth in the seventies and eighties. It is hard to envision new ones taking their place. Modern medicine cures at a faster rate than the laying on of hands. In the age of the Internet there are easier ways to make a fast buck than by taking up charlatanry.

I don't know whether we will see the likes of Jerry Falwell again. I do know that this is to the greater and higher public good.

Of course, you feel for the family. But Jerry Falwell was a terrible ambassador for the Prince of Peace.

An Early Mother's Day Present.

I overheard this outside the Federal Courthouse yesterday. A woman pulled out a cellphone and said, " Hi, Mama. He got 'time served.' He ain't got to go back to jail but that judge said he had to spend 2 more months in that drug program the probation officer is making him do."

I hope this made Mama happy.

The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

This is a piece in today's NY Times about the 50th anniversary of the Central High crisis of 1957. As usual, chaos is the order of the day in the Little Rock public schools. Hit the link.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/08/us/08deseg.html

The Sport of Kings

I don't really follow the horse game, so I'm not the most knowledgeable person to offer the following prediction about Street Sense, the winner of yesterday's Kentucky Derby. However, if history is any guide, Street Sense will fail to win the Triple Crown and/or will die soon.

Given recent history with these high dollar nags, it would seem that investing in boxers would make more sense.

How Wise Are You?

Here is an interactive quiz culled from today's New York Times Sunday Magazine. It purports to measure one's wisdom. I scored "moderately wise" which, of course, I reject as I am known far and wide for my wisdom.

Anyway, hit the link wiseguy.

http://www.nytimes.com/ref/magazine/20070430_WISDOM.html

My Sunday Feeling

Like many people, I watched PBS's excellent documentary about the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints entitled "The Mormons." Regardless of what you may think about the Mormon church, its history certainly makes for a fascinating story that is as unique as America itself. It also made me ponder the nature of truth claims in religious discourse.

A fair reading of history reveals that the Mormons were the subject of intense scorn and prejudice almost from their inception. They were merely run out of New York. They were attacked by armed militia under color of law in Missouri and Illinois. It is for this reason that they migrated to the Great Salt Lake in Utah, suffering many tribulations along the way in what is one of the most remarkable episodes in American history.

Much of the reason for hatred of the Mormons, at least in their earlier incarnations, was due to their practice of polygamy and their strategy of bloc voting in large numbers. But some of it had to do with Joseph Smith's claim that the LDS church was the only "true" Church of Christ on Earth. Suffice it to say, a lot of it had to do with Joseph Smith himself.

Joseph Smith grew up in upstate New York during a period of great religious fervor in the region. Joseph claimed that while praying in the woods one day for guidance as to what church to join, two angelic personages appeared unto him. One of the angels pointed to the other and said, " This is my Beloved Son! Hear him!"

After this vision, Smith claimed that he was visited by an angel named Moroni who led him to where the golden plates upon which what came to be known the Book of Mormon were conveniently buried there in upstate New York. Smith took it upon himself to "translate" these tablets, using 'seeing stones" left him for that purpose after which the Angel Moroni took the tablets back into heaven. This is the short version of this aspect of the story. The long version is even more complicated and you can research it for yourself if you are so inclined.

Anyway, this is the point in the story where even some Mormon scholars agree that things get a little dicey insofar as truth claims go. According to eyewitnesses present during this production, Smith placed the seeing stone in his hat. He proceeded to "read" it by sticking his head inside the upturned fedora from whence he dictated aloud for transcription by one of his followers. This is how the first draft of Book of Mormon came to be written. Naturally, nobody but Smith ever saw the golden plates, which were the only original source documents for the Book of Mormon, if one is to believe this at all.

The embarrassing problem for the LDS church is that this was not the first time Smith had employed a "seeing stone" or "peep stone." It was just the first time he had used one in order to found a religion. Indeed, as a younger man he was convicted in the case of "People vs. Joseph Smith the Glass Looker " for defrauding a man by claiming he could find buried treasure through the use of a "peep stone." The public record of what passes for his criminal past may be found in Bainbridge, New York.

But before you get too smug about the superiority of your own belief system versus the version put out by the LDS, let's examine a more mainstream doctrine. Let's just pick one, say, that the New Testament is the inerrant word of God and every jot and tittle contained therein was virtually dictated by the Almighty Himself. This is known as the "autograph theory" of Scripture. At least it was back when I thought I was going to be a Methodist minister back in my student days at Hendrix College. Suffice it to say that it is a blessing to both God and the Methodist Church that I discovered David Hume in my Junior year and decided to go to law school. But I digress.

If the Bible is indeed a transcription, then the transcriber was a poor one indeed. Just a few examples of inconsistencies off the top of my head: The Gospel of John doesn't agree with the others in just about anything. This would include what Jesus said, why He performed miracles or what day He was crucified. Much of our Christian theology comes from Jesus's death and resurrection which Jesus hardly talks about in the Gospels. That mostly comes after the fact from Paul. Both Jesus and Paul had an apocalyptic message: The Kingdom of God was at hand. Jesus and later the early church thought the apocalypse was fairly imminent. Which is the sort of thing that one would expect the Son of God to be able to speak about with some authority being the Son of God and all.

Only, the end of the world did not occur. At least if it did, nobody from my church has seen fit to inform me of this fact so that I may cancel my pledge. I will have to check the website.

My point in all of this is just to say that all religions are influenced by the cultural milieu in which they evolve and they retrofit their doctrines accordingly. All of them. The problem for the Mormons is that their truth claims originate with someone recent in history with a fishy public record trailing him. Obviously, it is easier to make a judgment about Joseph Smith's credibility than it is for us to engage in the same exercise about Luke the Physician. The Gospel writers are, for all practical purposes, apocryphal. Joesph Smith was as real as Abraham Lincoln.

So, what is it then? Was Smith a con artist who decided to cash in on the religious fervor of his day? Was he crazy? Or was he a rhapsodic vessel for the Lord? I have my opinion but I don't know for sure. And neither do you.

Just remember that all religious persecution or bigotry represents the most specious of oppression ever devised by man. Because the truth claims of every religion have holes in them. Every single one. And some are wide enough to drive Noah's Ark through them. So in that sense Mormonism is not that much analytically indistinct from anything else.

Just bear that in mind before you make fun of somebody else's religion. Ok. You can make fun of the Raelians. But that's about it and you won't find many of them around here. http://www.rael.org/rael_content/intro.php

An Observation

I saw Houston and Diana Nutt this afternoon in the lobby of the building where I do my banking. I am assuming that they were here in Little Rock to see his lawyer seeing as how his office is there and they would have no other reason to be in the Metropolitan Bank Building.

For those of you who haven't kept up, the Chancellor and the System President of the University of Arkansas were named in a "taxpayer lawsuit" concerning the alleged failure of the UA to adequately investigate the Nutts involvement and/or knowledge concerning a certain harassing e-mail sent to former much ballyhooed freshman quarterback Mitch Mustain by an associate of the Nutt family. Mustain has since transferred to USC and Nutt has been hit with a subpoena by the Plaintiff's attorney. Nutt has also threatened to sue a man who got access to his phone and text message records which revealed numerous messages to a woman not his wife.

As readers of this space will remember, while not calling him a liar outright, I did allow as to how I thought that this looked like hell and that his explanation seemed fishy. Which it still does.

I had never seen Diana Nutt in person before today. She's gorgeous. Men do crazy things sometimes. One of the most beautiful women I know had a husband who screwed around on her from the get-go. But Houston can't do much better than he is doing now. Not many men could. He certainly doesn't have the reputation for having a roving eye and the missus has publicly stated her support for her man. And they didn't seem to be estranged. Indeed, they were holding hands as they walked through the lobby.

We tend to forget-all of us-that public figures are people too. And our own relationships are hard enough to figure out without trying to divine what is going on in someone else's.

It cannot be denied that the hundreds of text messages he sent another woman is bad for appearance's sake. But I saw he and his wife holding hands as if they were out on a date.

It didn't look to me like they were just making an appearance.

Sunday in the park with Clarke

Last Sunday we took my 6 year old nephew Clarke to see the local minor league team play. The Travelers play in a brand spanking new facility across the river in North Little Rock. I had never been there before. It is a real jewel. To see for yourself hit the link: http://www.travs.com/multimedia/dspark/

Anyway, we had great seats. We were at ground level between home plate and the 3rd base dugout. The sun was warm but a cool breeze was in our face. The little guy was resplendent in his Oakland A's cap and Travelers shirt. He had a hot dog in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.

He took a bite of his hot dog and after taking a look around said, " This is just the best."

Kurt Vonnegut wrote that he had a favorite uncle back in Indiana who used to say, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

I don't know, off the top of my head, if there's a better way to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon than to go to the ballpark with people that you love.

If that isn't nice I don't know what is. It's just the best.

My Sunday Feeling

Let's see....5k, baseball game to coach, nephew's birthday party and golf yesterday. Going to go with said nephew to the Traveler's game today and have to get pictures taken at 5k and birthday party ready.

All of this to explain that I'm taking this Sunday off!!!!!!

It's a beautiful day here in LR. Enjoy yourself!

Vox Populi

A couple of weeks ago, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette ran a letter to the editor from a lawyer in Hot Springs named Connie Meskimen who blamed Daylight Savings Time for global warming. This was pretty loony even for the Letters section and produced an unusual response from incredulous readers.

Turns out Meskimen claims it was a joke. This made Snopes.com. Hit the link to read an interview with Meskimen about all of this. They also include a sampling of his opinion about our associate PM.

http://snopes.com/humor/letters/daylight.asp

I Could Not Possibly Make This Up

Hit the link:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0424071capt1.html

My Sunday Feeling

I arrived late to a board meeting one day a few years ago. I was in an obvious foul mood because some idiot had pulled out on me on the road and almost hit me. I confessed to laying on the horn and yelling. One of my fellow board members is a psychiatrist here in town. He told me that he made it a point to never react to other drivers out there on the road.

"The American Psychiatric Association estimates that about 10%(I forget the exact number) of the general population is psychotic or borderline psychotic," he said. "The vast majority of those individuals are not treated or are treated inadequately. Now, consider the number of people in a place like Arkansas that keep weapons in their vehicles. I'll bet it's 20%. More so during deer season. Statistically speaking, this means that a certain percentage of drivers in Arkansas are armed psychopaths. So I never react when somebody pisses me off on the road. Flipping somebody off is just not the smart play according to the mathematics."

Security planning is all about doing the math. This is not a police state. At least not yet. There has to be a balance struck between a free society and the imposition of restrictions even if they are for the common good. It is thought that having security points in our government offices and courthouses is a minimally intrusive method of ensuring the safety of the workers and the visitors. On the other hand, making everybody get wanded and frisked when the President is at the ball park makes sense too despite the fact that such measures are highly intrusive. The President is the head of state. A single shot can alter history. Such measures are appropriate.

Which brings to the horrific events at Virginia Tech last week. How could such a senseless rampage been avoided? Is there a way to secure a college campus to keep something like this from happening again?

The answer to the last question is "probably not." Most college campuses are wide open green space with kids going in and out of buildings at all hours. Everybody is carrying a backpack. Everybody is in a hurry to get somewhere. You can't make everybody go through a security point in the buildings on your average college campus. The threat of somebody packing a gun or some other weapon on campus is practically non-existent, statistically speaking.

Could the campus police done a better job in responding to the incident? You can bet that procedures are being reviewed at Virginia Tech and at college campuses everywhere. Having said that, the experience of the last 4 years in Iraq prove that it is damned difficult to stop someone with a death wish who intends to maim others. If the greatest military power on Earth struggles to prevent similar assaults, we might want to cut the authorities in Blacksburg some slack. Besides, what are the odds?

But this is unlikely to bring comfort to the loved ones of the murdered and the Virginia Tech community. A social cripple named Seung Hoi Cho gave the lie to the numbers. He proved the oddsmakers wrong at least on one day in April.

You heard various opinions as to Cho's mental state last week. One psychiatrist on "Good Morning America" while allowing that Cho was paranoid and a narcissist also described him as a "weakling" and a "loser.' Other experts have diagnosed Cho from afar as being bi-polar. He was referred to a local mental health unit by a local judicial officer a year or so ago. He was kept for observation and released. Still, the young man was a creep who wrote alarming stories filled with violent imagery. He used his cellphone to to take pictures of girls' legs under their desks.

This ain't normal.

I was at a cocktail party once where I met a woman who was a Dean of Students at one of our local colleges. The conversation turned to the difference between kids today and kids when we were in school.

" I'll tell you the difference," she said. " When we were that age, you didn't get fucked up until you got to college and then you kinda worked yourself out of it. Kids today show up completely fucked up and when we contact the parents they are like 'Hey! This is your problem now.' Seen it a dozen times. That's the difference. They're fucked up when they first show up on campus."

I understand that this lady is no longer in academe. She is now in sales. Probably a good move. Sounds like she was burned out.

I don't know the answer to any of this. I do know that there are a dearth of in-patient beds for a person with mental illness. However, the jails are full of mentally ill people. The law enforcement types don't want them there but there's nowhere else to put them. This is because there's no big money to be made in psychiatric illness. Ask the psychiatrists.

And yet, just because it's not a license to print money like a procedure driven practice such as cardiology doesn't mean that mental illness is not a medical issue. Just because the jails are full of crazy people doesn't mean that it's a legal problem.

Surely we as a society could have done a better job of diverting Seung Hoi Cho at some point. Then again, maybe we couldn't have. After all, it's harder than hell to prevent some goddamn fool who is intent on blowing you and himself to Kingdom Come from acting on these black impulses. It's not as easy as counting to 10 whenever you are cut off by some idiot in the car ahead of you. Sometimes the odds don't matter anymore.

Ask the folks at Virginia Tech.

'Tis Spring

And Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Pinella has had his first of what will undoubtedly be numerous post-game meltdowns. This one came after the Cubs blew a 5 run lead in the 5th with their "ace" Carlos Zambrano on the mound. Friday's rant isn't right up there with some of his past blown gaskets but it's early in the year and these are the Cubs after all. There will be plenty of opportunities to go off on the media as the season progresses, if that's the proper word to use in conjunction with the Cubs.

Hit the link and Play Ball! http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/cs-070413cubsgamer,1,1522497.story?coll=cs-cubs-headlines