Royal Wedding Redux

We heard the news today that Elizabeth Rex has blessed the upcoming union of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles. This was a bigger story on Good Morning America than the amusing news that North Korea has a nuclear weapons program.

We at TMFW say that it is about time he made an honest woman out of this flower of English womanhood. He has only been carrying on with her off and on for the last 30 years. It was hardly a state secret, even less of one than North Korea's nuclear program.

Actually, we don't much care as we have very little use for the Royals. We will not go so far as to state that they should all be lined up and shot as an acquaintance of ours recently suggested to us. But is there any institution less relevant to the modern world than a monarchy? WWF wrestling perhaps and the Electoral College come to mind.

Perhaps we could come up with more examples if we actually thought these things through before writing them. But that is neither here nor there.

Rather, think of all the money Great Britain could save just by turning the shiftless lot and their Nancy-boy servants out to fend for themselves. Think of how the coffers of the Bank of England would swell if they liquidated the holdings of the House of Windsor? It's not like Buckingham Palace is nearly so useful as your average Presidential Library or anything.

About the only time you see Prince Charles in public he is snow-skiing, horseback riding or taking a tour through a shoe factory (or something) wherein he will condescend to offer insights such as " These boots are of splendid quality" or " That is certainly a fine wage" or somesuch. Indeed, about the only time you typically ever see the Royals make the news is when one of them dies in a spectacular and horrific fashion (Lady "You-Know-Who). Or when one of them does something incredibly stupid such as when Prince Harry recently arrived at a costume party in Nazi regalia, thereby giving great offence to Britian's WWII vets without whom you would be reading this in German.

But there is romance in the notion of monarchy and this holds sway over millions even here across the pond. A friend of ours got up in the wee hours of the morning to watch Diana's funeral. She said she did it to be "part of history."

She wasn't part of history. She was watching TV. History is goddamn North Korea (which is run by someone who is smooth running crazy) announcing that it has nukes. Or did we mention that already?

Anyway, I remember as a child reading books where the handsome king married the fairest girl in all the land and that they live happily ever after. Here's where the romance ends for us. We must say it in no uncertain terms. Camilla ain't much to look at. Depending on what you read, Lady Di was either a scheming backstabber or nuttier than a pecan pie depending on which side of the bed she got up on.

But she was hot.

No. If we are going to run the risk of pissing off not only our Mum but the woman who is our Sovereign Liege (which sounds considerably more scary than it actually is at this point in history), if we are going to risk the opprobrium of the subjects, we are going to do so after asking Scotland Yard to get us the phone number of Britain's last contestant in the Miss Universe pageant. We are not going to take that kind of PR hit over a woman who is only slightly more sultry than Margaret Thatcher.

But we cannot pretend to know the mind of the Prince of Wales. As we understand it, his is a mind uncluttered by complicated things. And yes, we know. Physical beauty is over-rated and as fleeting as the clouds. As an elderly friend used to say, "Love goes where it's sent." And this is certainly true.

But we don't get it.

Maybe she can make biscuits as big as his fist.