Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any stupider this quickly out at the Ledge, along comes Rep. Bob Adams of Sheridan packing HB 1119. HB 1119 would prohibit gay people from adopting or serving as foster parents. However, as if to prove that the backers of this tripe are not completely draconian or thoughtless, the bill carves out an exception for a person who merely " appears to be a homosexual or has a homosexual orientation."
Which instantly leads one to the child's question, "Huh?"
The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reports that Adams explained what passed for his reasoning thusly, in what may be one of the most ignorant-assed pronouncements in the history of a legislative body famous for ignorant-assed pronouncements , when he said that he wanted to protect prospective foster parents that might be thought of as gay such as "a man whose voice is high pitched" or "one of the Williams sisters that plays tennis who bench presses 300 pounds."
We are certain he is referring to Serena. Venus couldn't bench press the Little Rock phone book. But we digress.
Surely to God Adams has heard that appearances can deceive.
Oh, this is too easy. Off the top of our head, there are any of a number of people that could get in under the radar by this criteria. Starting with the tennis world, since that appears to be a special interest of Rep. Adams, we give you GiGi Fernandez ,an awfully cute Olympian. Gay. Rod Stewart has a "high pitched" voice and has shagged more chicks than Frank Sinatry. Or for sure more than Rock Hudson who was a baritone. And really gay despite being repeatedly photographed in bed with the likes of Doris Day and Susan St. James.
In our personal experience, we know at least a couple of women so drop-dead gorgeous we would gladly drink their bathwater if given the opportunity. Alas, we will never get that chance because a) they are far too sensible to put up with such foolishness and b) they are gay. We know some guys at the gym who work out on weights simply because there are no human tractor-pulling contests. They are big strong strapping examples of manly men. They are also gay as lilies.
We at TMFW are not unmindful of our public responsibility. So we will make the following modest suggestion: If the Ledge is really serious about coming up with a handy-dandy criterion for excluding a class of people from contact with children out of a fear of sexually inappropriate behavior we know some people proven by FBI statistics to be dangerous as hell.
Little League baseball coaches.
Sports Illustrated did a series of articles on this issue a couple of years ago, proclaiming it to be a national scandal. Further, the newspaper is replete with other recent incidents involving inappropriate conduct on the part of coaches. And get this, according to Sports Illustrated, virtually all of men who have sexual contact with young boys consider themselves to be heterosexual.
Which quite frankly we don't get on any of a number of levels. But the larger point is that this would kind of throw a kink in the "homosexual orientation" litmus test prescribed by HB 1119.
So, that's our proposal. If they are really serious about protecting children they should amend HB 1119 to ban heterosexual men who coach youth sports. Though this bill in its original form pretty much set the land speed record for stupidity, it can be fixed.
There. We have done our duty. We can now turn to more important matters like the point spread of the Super Bowl.
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3 comments:
Ya know, you just can't beat them Grant County boys. We don't cotton to anything or anyone who, in anyway, menaces, impugns or otherwise disparages our manhood. We wuz raised up on pine trees, deer hunting and drinkin' cheap beer, that we had to drive all the way to Pine Bluff to obtain.
If we let them homos raise our kids, they gonna turn out like the Micheal Jackson fella. We're not sure exactly whether he is human or an alien. But we are sure that some warped type of sexual behavior figures in somewhere. So don't mess with us. We know what we are doing. And you would recognize it too, if you weren't some kind of godless, liberal Hendrix graduate!
Dear JP-
Thanks for checking in. You talk pretty tough for a walley-eyed frog. You got away w/slapping around Simone de Bouvier which I never much understood. And I also never much understood how she was considered a feminist icon under the circumstances.
Human relationships are complicated. Even in Grant County.
Now don't go an git existential on me. I was just funnin ya! Besides I never understood Simone. I got more out of Bouvier des Flandres.
Women-folk know their place down here in Grant County. Once you let them out of the kitchen and bedroom, you got nothing but trouble, my friend. And how is that tennis elbow doin?
PS He must die!
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