How To Write Good

The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's inimitable Wally Hall, in yet another sports column about, well, nothing really, takes us on a trip down Memory Lane as he recounts his various experiences going to bowl games over the years. Along the way he uncorks this eye-rubber about his trip to the 1981 Gator Bowl:

" We were deciding whether to go (on a complementary cruise) when they delayed the trip by two hours, so we took off to see the oldest continuous city in the United States, St. Augustine, which is a neat little place."

See the words inside the parenthesis? That was put there by me. That's called editing and does not exist in any of Wally's stuff. Of course if I were his editor this is how the story would look:

" We had the opportunity to go on a cruise but opted instead to go visit St. Augustine. The oldest city in the United States turned out to be a neat little place."

Then again, if I were Wally's editor I would harbor thoughts of suicide.

Back to the tangle of words called today's column. Our hero and his compadres did eventually take that boat ride and just reading between the lines here consumed many adult beverages while on board in order to liven up the limo ride home:

" Five times the driver asked us where we were staying, and five times he was given the name of a different hotel (it was the first time in a limo too), only to tell him when we arrived that, no that wasn't it.

Finally after two hours of our singing, he parked and got out of the car and told us we were on our own.

Someone-Clay, I think-showed him the key that had Sheraton on it, and he did drop us back at our hotel."

Where to start? Let's start with the obvious. If I were the editor, my question would be " the point of this goddamned waste of gigabytes would be what exactly?" And you will note that I use quotation marks. Wally had two opportunities in the cited example of his deathless prose to do likewise. And what about the erratic use of punctuation?

"Someone-Clay, I think-" I mean, really.

My friend J is a former English teacher turned Prosecutor. She yells at Georgia football players( she is from Georgia which carries its own special subset of difficulties which is neither here nor there) when they dangle participles during interviews on TV. J has a formidable persona and she carries a badge. If Walter Hussman would give her a week with Wally she would have him halfway straightened out. Which would be an immense improvement. A week of getting his knuckles rapped and his copy red pencilled by her would get Wally up to at least 7th grade competency.

Or we can turn him over to my nephew Henry who is actually in the 7th grade. He has no interest in sports. But in the unlikely event Henry ever decided to write a column about how he showed his ass while on a business trip it would at least be readable.

The new year dawns. Wally's columns are cries for help.

I can dream can't I?