Which I almost wasn't able to do. What follows is the unexpurgated transcript of my day thus far. Sorry it's tardy.
TMFW: (Insert protracted rant about Wally, redacted for brevity's sake.)
Me: Internet’s down at the house, and I can’t seem to pick up photos on my phone.
TMFW: Your voice has been stilled.
Me: I am sure this will cause great wailing and gnashing of teeth.
TMFW: I sent a picture to your e-mail.
Me: (Patiently) I saw. Hence my text re not being able to look at it on my phone.
TMFW: That is strange.
(Break during which I reboot my computer, my router, and my DSL modem several times, then drive to town to buy the papers so I will have something to read when put on hold after calling the AT&T tech support line).
Me: My Urdu skills are not strong.
TMFW: Perhaps you should resort to prayer.
Me: Equally effective.
TMFW: Hence my suggestion.
Me: 65 here.
TMFW: At least the sun is shining.
Me: No, it isn’t, you asshole.
Scene 2 (via AT&T land line)
AT&T: Hello! And welcome to the new AT&T! You have reached the AT&T Residential Repair Line! This call may be monitored or recorded for quality control purposes!
(Pause)
Me: No.
AT&T: Okay! I’m going to ask you a few questions to find out what your problem is. If you are calling about your AT&T high-speed Internet access, speak, or say, “AT&T high-speed Internet access.” If you …
Me: AT&T high speed Internet access.
AT&T: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Could you repeat it please?
Me: AT&T high-speed Internet access.
AT&T: I’m sorry, I still didn’t get that.
Me: AT&T high-speed Internet access.
AT&T: I’m sorry, I still didn’t get that.
Me: AT&T high-speed Internet access!
AT&T: I’m sorry, I still didn’t get that.
Me: AT&T high-speed Internet access!!!!!
AT&T: I’m sorry, I still didn’t get that.
Me: AT&T HIGH-SPEED INTERNET ACCESS, DAMMIT!!!
AT&T: I’m sorry, I still didn’t get that.
Me: MY GODDAMNED INTERNET IS OUT!
AT&T: Okay! I got “my God-damned Internet is out.” Is that right?
Me: Yes.
AT&T: Please speak, or say, the phone number associated with the AT&T high-speed Internet account you’re calling about.
Me: 919-967-1405.
AT&T: Okay. I heard 919-967-1404. Is that right?
Me: No.
AT&T: Please speak, or say, the phone number associated with the AT&T high-speed Internet account you’re calling about.
Me: 919-967-1405.
AT&T: Okay. I heard 919-967-1404. Is that right?
Me: NO!
AT&T: Please speak, or say, the phone number associated with the AT&T high-speed Internet account you’re calling about.
Me: 919-967-1405. Can I speak to a real person please?
AT&T: No you may not speak to a real person. Please speak, or say the number associated with the AT&T high-speed Internet account you’re calling about.
Me: 919-967-1405, for the love of God.
AT&T: Okay. I got 919-967-1405. Is that right?
Me: YES!!!!
AT&T: Okay. I’m going to ask a few questions about your problem. But first, you should know that most common Internet problems can be fixed by unplugging your complimentary AT&T DSL modem from its power source. We recommend that you take this step now, and will pause a moment to allow you to do so.
Have you disconnected your modem from the power source?
Me: No.
AT&T: AT&T highly recommends you do so. Please do so now. (Pause). Have you taken this important step?
Me: Okay, yes.
AT&T: And did this simple step, so often overlooked by AT&T customers, fix your problem, so that you now realize you didn’t have to bother us on a weekend?
Me: No. I had tried that five times before I called the help line.
AT&T: There’s no need to get snippy, sir.
Me: Well, I did.
AT&T: Okay! Please speak, or say, a few sentences to briefly describe the nature of the problem that prompted you to bother us on a Sunday.
Me: I have no DSL signal.
AT&T: Okay. I heard “wish to purchase new equipment.” Please wait while I connect you to the proper person.
Me: NO!
(Lengthy pause, followed by a rude electronic noise, after which line appears to go dead)
AT&T: If you’d like to place a call, please hang up and dial again. (Beep!) If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and dial again. (Beep!) If you’d like to…
Scene 3 (via AT&T text message)
TMFW: The sun is shining here (Attaches picture to text message so as to underscore gloating, smug nature of text message).
Me: I would have preferred the traditional Peshto speaker to the automatic voice-activated system that just hung up on me.
TMFW: No wonder you are unusually dyspeptic this morning.
AT&T: Okay! This is your automated AT&T voice-activated problem-solver again. Which allows you, the AT&T customer, the convenience of speaking, or saying, your responses! Please speak or say the type of complimentary modem AT&T provided you free of charge when you signed up with AT&T’s high speed DSL Internet access..
Me: Motorola.
AT&T: I didn’t get that. The most popular modem types are 2-Wire, Belkin, and Cicso. Which of these do you have?
Me: Motorola!
AT&T: Could you repeat that?
Me: MOTOR-GODDAMNED-OLA!!!!!
AT&T (automatic systems stress detectors kicking in) Please wait while we connect you to our AT&T residential customer technical support and service desk!
Hello! All of our customer support representatives are busy assisting other customers! We will be with you in a few minutes!
(Pause during which I hear part of “An American in
Me: Don McCormick. Is this a live person?
AT&T: Hawo, Don! I am a wive person, yes! My name is Shiewathamansdkzm! It is my pwivewege to be assisting you today! Could you pwease confiwm the phone number you’re calling fwom, Don?
Me: 919-967-1405.
AT&T: Wets stawt by finding out what you’we pwobwem is! What is it you’we cawing about, Don?
Me: I have no DSL signal.
AT&T: Okay! Hewe at AT&T we find that most pwobwems are caused by a few simple customer ewwows we’we sure you haven’t twied to solve youwsewf, Don. Can you check to make sure the modem is pwugged in, Don?
Me: Yes, of course.
AT&T: The fiwst thing I want you to twy is unplugging it for a few seconds, Don. Do you know how to do that, Don?
Me: Yes, of course. I did so four or five times before I called you, and have done it twice since.
AT&T: You pwobabwy didn’t do it cowectwy. Pwease disconnect the modem fwom its powew souwce, Don, and wait five seconds befowe pwugging it in again.
Me: Done.
AT&T: And you have DSL signaw again, don’t you, Don?
Me: No, of course not.
AT&T: What additional phones or fax machines have you added to youw househowd since the last time youw AT&T high-speed Internet access worked. Don?
Me: None.
AT&T: (Lengthy question in Tagalog, of which the only word I recognize is “Don.”)
Me: Excuse me?
AT&T: I’m sowwy, Don. It wooks wike we need to have a twained AT&T customew sewvice technician come make sure thewe’s no pwobwem with youw lines. Then, Don, we can wesume figuwing out how this is aww youw fauwt. It looks like the earliest one of our trained AT&T customew suppowt technicians can pay you a sewvice call is between eight a.m and eweven a.m. on Decembew 28. Is that a convenient time for you, Don?
Me: Today is December 28.
AT&T: Is that a convenient time, then, Don?
Me: It’s already 11:30.
AT&T: So is that a convenient time, then, Don?
Me: But the time has already come and gone.
AT&T: So is that a convenient time for you, Don?
Me: No, I’m sorry. It’s not. I can’t be here then. Is there another time?
AT&T: Hewe at AT&T we’we sorry our eawliest avaiwabwe appointment was not convenient for you, Don. We were hoping to wesowve this pwobwm quickwy. Our next available appointment is March 22, 2009 between eight a.m. and six p.m., Don. Is that a mowe convenient time for you, Don?
Me: Did you say March 22?
AT&T: Yes, Don.
Me: You don’t have anything open between now and Spring?
AT&T: We have some appointments in the aftewnoon of Decembew 28, Don, but you have aweady decwined Decembew 28 as inconvenient for you, regardless of how convenient it would be for AT&T.
Me: No, I didn’t. Just the ones in the morning that have already come and gone.
AT&T: So you want to change youw mind and accept the previously offewed appointment, then, Don?
Me: Yes. As long as it’s in the afternoon
AT&T: Okay! A twained AT&T customew sewvice technician will be thewe beween one and nine p.m. on Sunday, December 28, Don. Pwease be pwesent untiw the AT&T customer sewvice technician shows up to assist AT&T in diagnosing how this pwobwem is aww youw fault, Don. Youw AT&T appointment identification number is 1FD999876-6839405-aaCF0d/367830FDEE9812319767-33341299W. Please be suwe to wefew to this numbew if you have any questions, Don, and tell them you were hewped by Shiewathamansdkzm. Have a nice day!
Me: Wait. What number do I call if I have questions?
AT&T: The same sewvice number you called to stawt this caw, Don. 888-321-2375.
Me: That’s not the number I called.
AT&T: Yes it is. Have a gweat day, Don.
Most Beautiful Woman in the World: Hello?
Me: Good morning, sweetheart.
MBITW: Oh, hello.
Me: I know we’re planning to finish work on your attic today, but my Internet is down, and I need to wait for a technician to turn up. The next appointment is in March.
MBITW: Well, that’s okay. It’s surprising they were able to get to it so quickly.
Me: Agreed. So I’ll call you as soon as they’re gone.
TMFW: How’s it coming there, Marconi?
Me: The sun has finally come out. AT&T claims to be sending someone over.
TMFW: The prayers of a good man availeth much.
AT&T: (Heavily accented North Carolinian speech). Hey. This is Jerry with AT&T. I’m on my way, but it’s going to take me a while to get there. My last call was over to Apex. Maybe an hour from there. I don’t know why they book ‘em like that. What kind of modem you got?
Me: Motorola.
AT&T: Little silver job?
Me: Yep.
AT&T: What do the lights say?
Me: “Power” and “Ethernet” both green, everything else dark.
AT&T: Aw, hell. You’re modem’s fried. I’ll bring you a new one. See ya in a few.
Me: Hey.
AT&T: Where’s your modem?
Me: Right here.
AT&T: You know your password?
Me: No, of course not.
AT&T: (Lengthy discourse of technical language no more comprehensible than Tagalog but more sociably delivered.)
AT&T: Okay, man. You’re good to go.
And thus did the time of trials pass.
Further the deponent sayeth not.
