My Sunday Feeling

I just got a graduation invitation from the daughter of a woman with whom I used to carry on some 10-11 years ago. She was a sweet little kid back in those days and I remember our time together with a great deal of fondness. But I can't say that I have had much in the way of contact with either her or her mother in about that length of time. I used to run into her at her high school's football games and she was homecoming royalty this year. I took her picture and sent it to her mom. But really, that's about it. She has turned into a beautiful young woman. God, where have the years gone?

I got to thinking about all the graduations I have attended during lo, these many years. And it occurred to me that I cannot remember a single word of any speech given at any of these august events. Not one word. I'm sure that there are some good speeches given from time-to-time. You hear snippets on the news where a Bill Cosby here or a Gerry Trudeau there gets off a good line. But nothing like that has ever happened in my presence.

I remember at my law school graduation the invocation-or what passed for it-was rendered by a local rabbi. Instead of a prayer as such, the good rebbe went into some long disjointed parable about two friends taking a journey through the woods. One got lost but was subsequently found and the other had similar detours and tribulations before getting out of the woods. He then paused and said, " How true. How true. Good luck and blessings on the class of 1981."

I turned to Andy Braun who was sitting next to me for an explanation. "Andy," I whispered. " Did I just miss kind of obscure Jewish thing?"

"Nah." he said. " He was merely incomprehensible." He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "No clue."

Twas ever thus.

And so I got to thinking what I might say if I were given the opportunity to address my young friend's graduation ceremony. Here goes nothing.

"Class of 2006, I have no idea why they asked me to address you this evening. My accomplishments are meager. My standing in the community is tenuous as are my finances. My insights into the human condition are minimal and tedious. But I am here, I have already cashed the honorarium to pay my bookie and I stand before you reasonably sober. So let us proceed.

Class of 2006, you are about to embark on a great journey. And isn't it true that the only time you hear anybody break out the word "embark" is at graduation ceremonies and funerals? Be that as it may, I have been around for 50 years which to you represents a long time. Therefore, indulge me as I share some thoughts and or observations that might help you get through the rich pageant we call "life."

(I would make quote marks in the air with my fingers as I said the word "life.")

Here is the laundry list)

1) Alcohol: If you must drink, don't drink junk. This means that you don't drink anything that has PGA or chocolate in it or is a color not found in nature. You never, ever take advantage of a drunk person. Never. Wait until they are sober. It's more sportin'. You drink too much if you best friend says you drink too much. You drink too much if you wreck a car or lose a job. You drink too much if you find yourself naked with somebody that you normally wouldn't cross a street to shake hands with. At that point you may have to join a 12 Step program. Fine. Just please don't go on an on and on about it. Just because we love doesn't mean we want to listen to that shit 24/7. And do not confuse sobriety with the acquisition of social skills.

2)Trouble: Anytime the phone rings after 11:30 trouble is on the other end and generally it is wearing a short skirt and heels. Some people like trouble. I was one of those people once. I am older now and have pretty much with some rare but memorable relapses and have pretty much lost the taste. Caller ID is wonderful. You should use it. You do not have to talk to the police if you don't want to. But if you talk to them, you had better not lie. That will result in trouble of the worst sort. Worse than taking the call from the skirt even.

When you are in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes there is probably a reason for it and you would do well to try to figure it out. Having said that, trouble, like fortune, is a transitory kind of thing. You should look up what Kipling said about it.

3) overrated: Molly Ivins once quoted an old retired Texas Ranger said the 3 most overrated things on earth were, sex with a young woman (I have cleaned the quote up considerably) Cuban cigars and the FBI.

4) underrated: conversation, Jim Beam, and the basic honesty and integrity of your average law enforcement officer.

Love: The Bible says that we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling. The same holds true with relationships. Now I am not exactly the best person to be lecturing on this subject, my young friends. I stand before completely inept in this area. Having said that, I am unique for a single man of my age and station in that I don't have at least one ex still on the payroll somewhere. I view this as at least a partial victory.

This much I know. Romance, like sex, is over-rated. There is much misery in life. If someone out there loves you, that's great. If someone out there loves you and you know in your heart of hearts that you can count on him or her to be there for you on those occasions where there is trouble in the wind, well, grab on to that person and hold on for all you are worth. And that's about all I will say on this subject.

Overrated: Vivaldi, John Gresham, Harry Connick, Jr., and Bruce Springsteen

Underrated: Mendelssohn, Professor Longhair, Bill Evans, Elmore Leonard and Dan Jenkins

Religion: Most of you will eventually stumble across the nearest available deity that you can tolerate. And vice-versa. Here's a suggestion. Go for humility. Try to find a church that isn't judgmental, is not smug in it's theology and is not, in the words of historian Garry Wills, in the constant process of "building monuments to itself." Do not give money to teleevangelists. They are, for the most part, criminals.

Also, if you find yourself all fervid about it someday, like just before your sentencing hearing maybe, please be so good as to keep it to yourself. Don't hand out tracts and don't invite people to church. Remember the part of this address about 12 step programs? Goes double for religion. If drunks have no reason to invite everybody they know to come to meetings with them neither do you.

Finally, I don't know much about heaven and hell. About all I know about hell is that you should rot there if you ever, ever, strike a woman.

I see that my time is running short. Let me close by saying about the best advice I can give you was that given by Jesus when he said, " That which you do unto the least of these you do unto me." That and "Be Ye Kind to One Another."

Be ye kind to one another. Oh and don't ever take up golf.

Good night and good luck.

I