Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Hold That Tiger

Former LSU star and NFL bust JaMarcus Russell got popped for possession of a controlled substance in his home in Mobile, Alabama. The substance in question was codeine syrup for which he could not produce a prescription. While it may be true that JaMarcus may have had a chest cold, the more likely explanation is the one offered by the authorities: that he, along with other pro athletes and rappers, enjoy imbibing an elixir called variously "Purple Drank" or "Sizzurp." Indeed, unlike most athletes who get nailed with drugs, JaMarcus didn't get popped after a traffic stop. According to USA Today, he got caught up in a sting operation in which his name kept popping up.

The recipe for Purple Drank was popularized by the late rapper DJ Screw and consists of codeine syrup, 7 up, antihistamines and is given its color by purple Jolly Ranchers. An Old Fashioned it is not.

By the way, betcha can't guess what killed DJ Screw. Let's put it this way. It wasn't a hunting accident.

Anyway, now I know that JaMarcus got cut by the Oakland Raiders after a spectacularly inept 2 year career. Indeed, his work habits were considered so lackadaisical that the Raiders are suing him to get back the signing bonus they paid JaMarcus. But still, he's got to have some money saved somewhere. Even a knucklehead like JaMarcus Russell can't blow through 34-40 million bucks in two years.

So my question is, if he just liked to unwind and catch a buzz now and again, why didn't he just go to a bar? Or by a six pack and chill out at home?

Why drink THAT shit?

I mean, you can get just as fucked up and blow your life and career all to hell and back without using illegal drugs. Ask Damon Evans, the former AD at Georgia, who was caught driving drunk with a young blond not his wife who just happened to have doffed her red panties prior to Evans seeing the blue lights in the rear view mirror.

And besides, Purple Drank just sounds vile. As the sickly son of a chain smoker, I took a lot of codeine cough syrup as a child. I hated it. Still do. Cannot imagine sucking that stuff back on a recreational basis.

Listen to me, JaMarcus. Next time you want to get loaded on something that tastes awful I have a 100% legal suggestion for you. Two words:

Dirty Martini.

Besides, it will get the taste of the Purple Drank out of your mouth.

You idiot.

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