I suppose, like Wal-Mart and Dillards, I might be accused of rushing the season. But here are my annual Reasons to Hate the Holidays.1) Office Christmas parties.
2) Christmas parties.
3) Christmas music
4) Religious Christmas music, (and no I'm not being redundant) especially those exceedingly dreadful Christmas "cantatas."
5) Forced quality time with relatives.
6) Fruitcake.
7) Tedious debates concerning the appropriateness of graven images festooned upon public property.
8) Andy Williams
9) Christmas lights
10) Miniature "Dickens Villages" in front yards. Didn't anybody around here read "Bleak House?" When I think of Dickens I think of tuberculosis. I do not think quaint, happy thoughts.
11) Christmas specials on TV.
12) Presidential proclamations. Believe it or not, Jefferson and Madison thought such official pronouncements on religion as an inappropriate comingling of church and state. It's true. You could look it up.
13) School buses full of kids from the sticks clogging up Woodlane Avenue in front of the State Capitol making it hard for me to cut through on my way to lunch back in Hillcrest.
14) Business failures come January.
15) Reluctance on the part of the Courts to evict deadbeats during this time of year.
16) Buying presents.
17) Returning presents.
18) The inevitable spike in consumer bankruptcies that will take place @ February.
19) "The Little Drummer Boy."
20) Oh. Before I forget, "Hallelujah!' is from the damn Easter Section of "Messiah." Not the Christmas section.
21) Cranberries and cranberry sauce.
22) Christmas cards. I once got a Christmas card from a private investigator who once served me with a subpoena to appear in Court concerning a rather difficult child custody matter. It still hangs on the wall in my kitchen as a silent reminder to me that some people are way too much trouble than they are worth.
23) Drunks calling at midnight.
24) Branson.
25) I really do have a framed subpoena on a wall in my kitchen. No foolin'.
26) TV ads for car dealers and jewelers. Who buys jewelry at the mall anyway? Probably the same idiots that buy golf equipment at Sports Authority.
27) "The Night Before Christmas."
28) Even the dirty version.
29) The "orderly account" of the Nativity in the Gospel according to St. Luke. Which is anything but.
30) People referring to "Messiah" as " Handel's Messiah." Quick. Name another one.
Of course, I have engaged in hyperbole here. There are some good things about the Holidays. It comes but once a year. The tablepiece caught on fire two years ago at my brother John's house. That was fun.
And Bing Crosby's dead. That's about it.
Happy Holidays!
4 comments:
I'm your Man, then!
I have Videotaped Andy Williams twice this year, had to tape until Midnight in Branson last night, I am making a Jewelry store ad featuring tattooed Frogs animation, and there's just NOTHING warmer than a used car dealer/insurance group offering you and yours a Merry Christmas....
By the time Dec. 25th gets here, I am out of my mind.
Oh, what a great laugh I had over this one. I've never been to Branson and never wish to go as to everything else. Hallelujah!!
You sound lofty, but the fact that you give out starlite mints for Halloween candy proves that you don't know holiday proticol.
My children have been "visited" by Santa. He left a half smoked cigar on Christmas eve one year. He also sent them packages filled with Harry and David goodies.
They belived.
You did too.
fso
I used to have a framed supeeny on my wall too. I wonder where it went. Mine was for a murder case.
And I got you Andy Williams Greatest Hits for Christmas.
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