Monday, September 18, 2006

The Sports Page-Monday Football Report

Strange doings out there on the Gridiron last weekend. The Arkansas Razorbacks managed to avoid defeat at the hands of a game Vanderbilt squad despite some atrocious tackling on their part. Or to quote the inimitable Wally Hall: " [T]he Hog defenders had more trouble getting a handle on Vanderbilt than they would have figuring out rocket thrust to the moon."

And no, I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.

As some of you may recall, I had the Razorbacks losing this game, a prediction that my buddy and old Vanderbilt alum Don found ridiculous. When I told him that Vandy should have won, he sent me the following text message: " There are two kinds of Vanderbilt football teams. There are those that lose by one or two and those that lose by 60. Cathy took pride in the fact that they scored."

Later on he wrote: " You don't understand the natural order of things. When Vanderbilt wins, something equally improbable has to happen to keep the universe's books balanced." Well, all I know is that the universe's books would have gotten cooked to a fare-the-well had Vanderbilt's 48 yard field goal attempt not fallen just short. Both Vanderbilt's kicker and Head Coach Bobby Johnson attributed the miss to a sudden breeze that kicked up on that side of the field.

Houston Nutt,however, invoked timely intervention from the next world as the cause for the victory, stating that the spirits of his late father and the recently deceased Voice of the Razorbacks Paul Eels caused the wind to rise just as Vandy's kid kicked a ball he later described as having crushed. I trust that Houston Nutt, an excitable sort under the best of circumstances, was overtaken by the moment. They medicate people that talk like this.

Wait. What am I saying? Wally writes stuff like that all the time and he's not crazy. He's just illiterate.

The universe's books may need to be adjusted for other reasons, however. It is a crazy Saturday indeed when LSU loses a game against an SEC team and Tulane WINS one. Ole Miss fared no better losing to the woeful Kentucky Wildcats, a feat I otherwise thought not possible. It took Southern Mississippi to stop the bleeding by clobbering North Carolina State in a game in which they did not have to punt a single time. Not once. That's unheard of.

And if things weren't crazy enough, the Saints are 2-0 after winning two road games for the first time in their miserable existence.

No, it is probably just was well that Vanderbilt's kick fell just short. The universe took a sufficient scare last Saturday without that all that extra stress. The Hogs had better enjoy it while they can. Next week they get Alabama. Unless Houston has a OUIJA board with him on the sideline, I don't think they stand much chance for two in a row.

Oh. Tulane picked a bad time to renew their rivalry with LSU. They go to Baton Rouge the Saturday after LSU lost to Auburn. My friend down there is trying to goad me into an improvident bet. No way. LSU will be pissed. If the Greenies aren't careful, they will lose by 50.

Some things don't change. The natural order will prevail. The universe can rest easy.

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