Hook Em

I know a woman from Texas. She is lovely, intelligent, and funny and she can charm the chrome off of a trailer hitch whenever the mood strikes her. But this otherwise lighthearted and delightful person turns dour and utterly humorless when the subject turns to Texas football, particularly Texas Longhorn Football.

Texans can be like that. Now, I will state at the outset that I have no particular use for Texas. Or for Texans either, with the possible exception of my friend from the preceding paragraph, the former Bishop of the United Methodist Church here in Arkansas and Dan Jenkins. Maybe Nolan Ryan. But that’s about it. Texans, for the most part, pretty much think they are better than the rest of us. This is how snooty Texans are: they look down on Virginians. I have always found this attitude puzzling.

Sure, Texas is a big place with a wad of money and a lot of people, and fairness compels me to admit that many of them are actual legal residents. But Texas is also a haven for deadbeats and polluters, high-haired bidnessmen and jackleg preachers. Its criminal justice system is so bloodthirsty it makes Florida’s look positively clement by comparison. It is ugly and flat and the wind makes you feel as if a portable hair dryer is in your face no matter which direction you turn. Texas is Oklahoma with a waterfront.

Texas gave us brisket and the Alamo. And don’t get me started about the supposed bravery of the mercenaries and adventurous fools that checked out behind its hallowed walls after foolishly taking on the Mexican Army. If the damn thing had been designed with a back door we would have been bilingual 150 years ago. Last but not least, the Lone Star State gave us Tom DeLay and George W. Bush. Thanks a lot.

The misplaced hubris of the average Texan pervades the mindset of the average Longhorn fan as well. The main distinction that can be drawn between the Longhorn Nation and the fans from the Southeastern Conference is that the average SEC fan is a dark paranoid that literally despises every other team in the conference. This even includes Vanderbilt now that the Commodores have gotten all uppity and insist upon not being blown out every Saturday. Texas could give two hoots in hell about anybody other than Oklahoma and Texas A&M. And the Aggies haven’t been worth kiss my ass in about 5 years. Yet, Texans being Texans automatically assume that the Longhorns, despite playing in a weak sister conference such as the Big 12 and despite having not won a national title in 35 years, deserve consideration as a perennial national power.

But this is a fair minded blog run by a fair minded man. And it says here that that was one hell of a ballgame put up by the Texas Longhorns the other night when they defeated the Southern California Trojans in the Rose Bowl.

And you know why Texas won? Sure. Vince Young was phenomenal. His 467 yards of total offense was a performance for the ages. And these words have never been written about anyone ever associated with the Tulane Green Wave, but Mack Brown probably out-coached Pete Carroll if no other reason than he had sense enough to keep the ball in Vince Young’s hand while Reggie Bush was virtually dormant in the fourth quarter of the contest. Hey, Pete! How does your decision to use the second coming of Gayle Sayers as a decoy look to you now? Oh wait. That’s not fair. Reggie Bush, the winner of the goddamn Heisman Trophy wasn’t even on the field during the Trojans last possession. But that isn’t why Texas won either.

Texas won because the guys in white were tougher than the guys in burgundy. They stopped one of the most powerful offenses in the history of college football not once but twice on 4th and 2. When they weren’t doing that, the Longhorn defense was having a fine old time running around in the invigorating night air handing out headaches and sore jaws to Matt Lineart and his receivers. On offense, they gave the USC defense all the respect that it deserved: which is to say none. They never panicked even when the Trojans started to go off in the 3rd quarter. They just lined up and got ‘em all blocked. No big deal. You got two Heisman Trophy winners? Cool. We got Vince. And he’s pissed.

And so we give the Devil its due and congratulate the Texas Longhorns on becoming the undisputed National Champs. They are the best team in the country. There can be no doubt. Darrell K. Royal can now go on to that Big Shootout in the sky and maybe their fans, after basking in the afterglow of this accomplishment, will stay off Mack Brown’s back.

Don’t count on it. Most likely they will once again return to regularly calling for Brown’s scalp and whining about how they get no respect. This will not appreciably decrease when Young jumps to the NFL and Brown is forced to hand the keys to a redshirt freshman.

Because they’re the Texas Longhorns. They’re just better than everybody else.