Saturday, March 12, 2005

Render

This being the tax season, we were reminded of a scene we witnessed outside the United States Courthouse a few year's ago. On the day in question we noticed about 5 guys, 4 of whom we recognized as being from the Criminal Investigations Division of the IRS proceed from the architectural marvel that is the Federal Building in Little Rock across the street to the courthouse. Each Special Agent (the feds refer to their plainclothes law enforcement types as "Special Agents" for some unknown reason. Perhaps they wish to make sure that they are not confused with the Prairie County Sheriff's Department or something.) was carrying boxes of stuff with some guy's name on them.

Moments later we noticed an odd looking older couple. They both were wearing American flag lapel pins. The man was wearing a corduroy suit despite it being a warm day. He had Hush Puppies on his feet and a red, white and blue tie around his neck. His grey beard reached the middle of his chest.

" Tax protester nuts," we thought to ourselves. And they walked into the courthouse with the confident stride of people who reposed complete and utter confidence in their belief that the 26th Amendment to the United States Constitution (that's the one instituting the income tax for you history buffs) did not apply to them because they were Baptists. Or some other inane theory most likely gleaned from the Internet.

We also had another thought: Mainly, that it's just like the damn Service to send 5 guys, one of them undoubtedly from the Tax Division of the United States Department of Justice in DC to take on a couple of whack-job tax evaders/freedom fighters.

Hell, nobody likes to pay taxes. But we figure that it is part of our duty as a citizen to support the government with our tithes and offerings. After all, we know that nothing is free. It costs money to explore space, to develop exotic missile systems that don't work and to build and maintain presidential libraries, just to name a few projects supported by said tithes. We understand these things.

Ok. We lied. Mostly we just don't have the nerve to attempt to evade taxes at the level it would take to make the whole shooting match worth the while. We don't evade taxes for the same reason we don't try to manufacture crystal meth. The attempt to do so would blow up in out face. Like most taxpayers, we are mere wage slaves. Every two weeks our employer deducts an amount from our wages and sends it to the taxing authorities. The banks where we keep the pittance we refer to as "savings" generate 1099s to advise the government of the interest we have earned despite the fact that the number that is transmitted is so small it barely interests us. Given the pedestrian and frequently precarious state of our financial affairs, there is no way we could artfully gin up a false return that wouldn't set off bells and whistles at the Treasury. Or so we imagine.

But then again we are just not as smart as guys like Walter Anderson. Anderson is a software designer in DC who recently got indicted for having set up numerous dummy corporations in both Europe and offshore in the Virgin Islands. (Here's a tip for you budding white color criminals. You should always run your banking and insurance scams through the Virgin Islands as well.) According to the authorities, Anderson ran-no lie-a half a billion dollars through these various shell corporations in order to conceal the true extent of his personal income from Uncle Sam. That's billion with a "b." That's a lot of dead Presidents to have in circulation at one time. That's Enron and World Com level money laundering, all in the service of one little tax evader.

And what did that get him? The judge at his plea and arraignment took a look at the international scope of Anderson's business ( otherwise referred to in the indictment as a "scheme and device") and not unreasonably concluded that he was a flight risk. So no bail for Walter! The Feds and the District handed him a tax bill of over 200 million. If convicted on all charges, he could get sent off for @ 80 years with no possibility of parole.

We doubt that Walter Anderson is thriving in his current environment, where he eats baloney sandwiches for lunch with guys named "Boo-Boo" and "P-Dawg. We wonder if he ever thinks to himself, "Gee, was this worth it? Didn't I have enough damn money?"

Unlike Walter Anderson, we can do what the prosecutors call "risk calculation." And it ain't worth it. So every year, we will buy TurboTax, gather our documents and once again prove to our government that we have somehow managed to avoid complete insolvency for another tax year.

Come to think about it. We even take back that crack about the Service we made early on. It was made during what Trent Lott might describe as " a lighthearted moment." We love you guys.

Really.




1 comment:

tmfw said...

This is where Walter screwed up. He didn't make bail. He may well be cooling his jets in the DC District jail until his trial.

He could not fit the usual profile.

Thanks for writing. I appreciate it.