There are many things in this life that I suppose I am not permitted to understand. I do not understand why a so-called benevolent God allows human suffering. I do not understand calculus. I do not understand the perennial optimism of Cub fans. And I do not understand women who throw themselves at serial killers.
Granted, it would be a fair statement to allow that my understanding of the ways of the fairer sex is imperfect at best and non-existent at worst. I have been jettisoned by women for reasons that still cause me to scratch my head during those moments, admittedly rare, that I permit myself to dwell on them.
And I guess that it would also be a fair statement to admit that we men do not have the same opportunities in this area that women do seeing as how there are very few incarcerated female serial killers out there for us to visit on Sundays. Off the top of my head I can't think of any. Mass murder is more the province of men. Women typically are too busy doing stuff to devote much time to killing folks. Besides, it's not their style. A person has to be alive to be reminded that he is a no-good, dragass, son-of-a-bitch, who is making the speaker's life miserable. Such amusing commentary is useless to the dead although they should be commended for their luck at such moments.
But stiil, I don't get it. The Menendez Brothers got married in prison as did Jeffrey Dahmer. Arkansas's most famous Goth, Damian Echols of the West Memphis Three fame is a loving husband. And now word comes out of Peru that Joran van der Sloot, widely suspected of killing two young women, one of them being Birmingham's Natalie Holloway, is getting offers of marriage from all over the place.
What a catch.
Why would anybody want to have anything to do with somebody who has been accused, much less convicted of killing somebody? Killers tend to very self centered and emotionally distant people. The kind of people most women say they don't like!!!!!!
Women also don't like men who lie. And Joran has told more stories than Raymond Carver. He's told the authorities he didn't kill poor Natalie. He told a private investigator that he did. He confessed to killing that poor girl in Peru. Then he recanted it, saying that he was "tricked." Yeah right. Even his own damn mama has washed her hands of him albeit not before she gave scores of interviews in which she discussed ad nauseum how hurtful it was to be thought of as the mother of such a universally despised scumbag. Make that universally despised by those not asking for his blood stained hand in Holy Matrimony.
Like I said I don't get this. But I'm willing to admit that maybe I've been taking the wrong approach all of these years. I'm not willing to go to prison to attract women although I would consider that before turning to Craigslist. But I will concede that maybe I have been setting the bar too high all of these years.
Maybe if I play my cards right I can catch the eye of the Octomom. Or Janet Jackson. Or Lindsay Lohan.
Joran van der Sloot is proof that there is a market for anything. There's hope for me yet.